The economy is in tatters again this morning after banks made billions in unsecured loans to a homeless cartoon cat.
Top Cat, whose close friends get to call him ‘TC’, was given a Triple
A credit rating by ratings agencies Fitch and Standard & Poor’s,
despite him living in a dustbin.
Top Cat’s debt was then leveraged against a complex basket of
derivatives, which went sour when he failed to pay, leaving the Bank of
England on the hook yet again.
The banking sector has denied acting irresponsibly in its lending, insisting that they carried out all necessary due diligence.
Top Cat is understood to have described his net worth as ‘bajillions
of spondulicks’ on the self-assessment form, which is a sunnier economic
assessment than the entire Eurozone.
“The cat wore a waistcoat!” said chief financial officer Dibble. “A
waistcoat! And he almost cried when he thought we were going to say no.
How could we have refused under those circumstances?
“I tell you – if you can’t trust a fast-talking cat in a straw boater
with your money, then there’s something badly wrong with
twenty-first-century finance, and we don’t have the first clue what.”
Despite being willing to lend to a homeless cartoon cat, banks have confirmed they’re still not extending credit to Greece.
“We might lend everything we’ve got to an imaginary cat, but Greece? Come on. We’re not entirely stupid.”